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Location: Chicago, Illinois, United States

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

My Math Homework

I go to a movie with $10.00. I buy a candy bar for $3.00. I play Donkey Kong for $2.00. Now I'm hot. Do I have enough money to buy an ice cream cone for $2.75?

MY ANSWER: You could buy a box of Little Debbies for a dollar and play Galaga for free on the Internet. Because you are so stupid with money, you may be able to afford your precious ice cream cone, but it's obvious you don't deserve it. Give me all your money, and if you tell your parents about this, I'm sending Freddie and Jason over to your house tonight.



There are 175 cookies and three children. How many cookies does each child get?

MY ANSWER: None. How about that? Who are these children and why am I feeding them cookies all of a sudden? You're awfully presumptuous. Do I get names? Even people who sponsor third world children get letters every now and again. I get nothing except your passive aggression. I'm tired of this. I told you things were going to change. So NO cookies for the children - and YOU get to explain to them why that is.



Jerry and Bill live far away from each other, but have made plans to travel an equal distance to meet for a vacation. If Jerry lives 1,047 miles from the meeting spot and Bill lives 1,123 miles from the meeting spot, and each have to pay .008% tax for their plane tickets based on mileage (keep in mind Jerry is 24 and Bill is 28), what time should they arrive at their destination?

MY ANSWER: Where the hell are they vacationing - Brokeback Mountain?!?



Glory had 9 gumballs in one pocket and 22 in the other. If she had holes in her pockets and by the time she got home there were only two balls in each pocket, how many gumballs fell out?

MY ANSWER: I think Glory has bigger problems than candy if she has such big holes in her pockets. I'm starting to wonder if perhaps Glory's parents are neglecting their child. Maybe a little bit too much money goes to scratch-off cards and Wild Turkey, if you know what I mean. And clearly the pattern of addiction is trickling down to little Glory. I mean, come on. Twenty-two gumballs??? Telling. Very telling. Get this child away from her parents and find her some counseling before it's too late. Obviously her childhood is shattered. We need to make Glory whole again. What's so funny?



There were 435 dinosaurs and 4,123 unicorns. They sold 988 golden butterflies and 12 ewoks. But they got 5,000 more dinosaurs and 765 more talking lions. How many magic animals are left?

MY ANSWER: Listen, Bjork. You need to hire an accountant or something. This is a bit much for me to process right now.



If Savannah bought 6 books for $3.24 each, how much did she spend on books?

MY ANSWER: I know the kind of books that cost $3.24 each and frankly, I'm disgusted. Peddle your smut elsewhere, trollop. But you should leave a copy behind so I can, um, disperse it to the authorities and whatnot. Not that one - the one with the prison scene on the cover. Yeah. That's the one. Now get out of my decent blog and never let me see your face here again. SHAME SHAME SHAME!!!



It is 56 miles from Al's house to Sue's house. It is 45 miles from Larry's to Sue's. If Al is traveling at 16.6 miles per hour and Larry is traveling at 18 miles an hour, and both boys leave their homes at the same time, which one of the boys will get to Sue's house first?

MY ANSWER: Ooooh! I don't know, but I'm gonna pull up a chair and watch this baby-mama drama play out to the ugly end.



If a cube 8cm by 8cm is painted silver but then cut into 2cm cubic pieces, how many 2cm faces were painted silver?

MY ANSWER: True.

3 Comments:

Blogger Franklin said...

Is this my birthday present? Because I love it.

1:27 PM, January 24, 2006  
Anonymous IRV (YOURIMAGINARYFRIEND@VERIZON.NET) said...

Well that one had me in stitches @ my desk. Laughing out loud. I hated word-probs like that in school. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't even attempt to answer them. No point, I just didn't get it nor did I care to screw w/ my brain that way. My answers after class were on target w/ yours. Thanxxxx for the memories dude.

2:45 PM, January 24, 2006  
Blogger superspaceboy said...

Terri asked her grandfather, How old are
you now, Grandpa?

He said, I've lived a
quarter of my life as a boy,
a sixth of my life as a young man,
half of my life as a middle-aged man;
and all those years I spent living
in my native country.

Now you must add the past six years
I've spent as an immigrant.

How old is Terri's grandfather?

My Answer: Terri, Granpa's been dead for a long time now. Are you taking your meds?

3:00 PM, January 26, 2006  

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