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Thursday, December 22, 2005

Barbara Walters Goes To Hell

I've only seen and heard little blips and buzzes about it, but I have to admit that I am OBSESSED with Barbara Walter's recent investigative report on Heaven, in which she seeks the hard answers about the pearly gates from such experts as Maria Shriver, Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Gere.


Maria Shriver I can sort of see as an expert on the afterlife, since she allegedly drew from her experiences as a Kennedy and as Arnold Schwartzenegger's wife to write a book on Heaven (?!) and of course she also mildly resembles the Cryptkeeper; but Liz Taylor? Richard Gere?! Hang out with the Dalai Lama or Jacko enough and all of a sudden everyone thinks you're something special, I guess.

I missed the actual broadcast, but I wonder if she spoke with any actual theologans. Ms. Walters is a classy lady, so I'm guessing she was able to at least fit in a quick soundbyte from Deepak Chopra between ruminations by such spiritual luminaries as Mischa Barton, Hal Sparks, Cheryl Hines and Usher...or am I confusing the report with VH1's "I Love The Afterlife"?

(Upon further reading, I discovered the Dalai Lama was indeed included in the special; Barbara even goaded His Holyness to plant a wet one on her cheek, presumably with the come-on, "Wanna see Heaven? Give mama some sugar".)

I can imagine a long segment in which Barbara Walters chats with Ray Romano about the significance of George Burns' "Oh God!" movies, followed by a quick blip of Walters asking a prominent Vatican official, "Everlasting" And then we cut to a Mazda commercial.

What I really want to know is, did Barbara Walters interview Jesus? Did she make Him cry? Were there questions she asked that were too personal and that He refused to answer? Did He give her a tour of His heavenly crib and show off His fleet of Bentleys?

Barbara: Jesus Christ. Superstar. Do you get tired of the necklaces? The statues? The lawn ornaments?

Jesus Christ: Well, I'm not getting a cut of the licensing, if that's what you're asking.

Barbara: Does that hurt?

Jesus Christ: I'll be honest - I feel a bit used. It's hard to have a private life when everyone's asking you for fish and bread, you know what I mean? I have to tell you, I could do without the black velvet paintings. I'm your Lord and Savior - could we, like, not sell my image in front of gas stations? Thanks.

Of course, I'm a stoney-eyed realist, so I'm well aware Barbara Walters was not able to wrangle JC for her investigative hack piece on Heaven. In fact, what was she doing investigating Heaven in the first place? I'm afraid Babs may be starting to come unhinged. Don't be surprised if next week she's blowing the hinges off with her exclusive one-on-one interview with a bowl of spaghetti.

Barbara: Does it bother you when people eat you?


Barbara: Are there times you wished you were still sitting on a grocery shelf? Let's talk about your sex life.


Barbara: You. Are. Fascinating.

Personally, I'm waiting for Barbara's follow-up special in which she investigates Hell. There'll be no shortage of first-hand celebrity testimonials for that little piece of reportage pie, lemme tellya.
In fact, Barbara could even take a personal tour of the seven levels of Hell. I'm sure a lot of people have given her directions throughout her career, but let's keep things interesting and bring Mary Hart on as her tour guide.

Perhaps for the sake of expediency, she could take a detour through my workplace, thus bypassing the 4rd, 5th and 6th levels (and hey, we have free Flavia coffee in the breakroom). This would take her directly to the 7th Level of Hell, which of course would bring her full circle as we are introduced once again to Satan and the unholy minions.

Or, well, I guess I answered my own question. There's really no need for a television special on's always only as far away as your remote control.


Blogger Cheryl said...

If Jesus was a tree I wonder what he'd be.....

4:32 PM, December 23, 2005  
Blogger superspaceboy said...

So Baba WahWah interviewed Jesus? Did he know that she's the Devil's Wife. Did she have to constantly dab her eyes with a maist cloth because they were stinging just sitting next to Jesus?

4:54 PM, December 28, 2005  

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