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Location: Chicago, Illinois, United States

Monday, May 16, 2005

14 Untruths About Vegetarians

  1. Vegetarians do not eat socks. Yes, I know we could if we wanted. But we don't. We just don't.
  2. Contrary to urban myth, vegetarians are not androids. While it is true that we have heat vision and the ability to live comfortably in a complete vacuum, these qualities have nothing to do with robot technology.
  3. Vegetarians are not made of balloons. We are only about 24% balloon. This gross misrepresentation can be hurtful.
  4. Vegetarians are not velvety to the touch because we bathe in the green blood of Trunkus the Tree God.
  5. It has been over a hundred years since vegetarians have used pumpkin seeds as weapons.
  6. While it is true that vegetarians can see through corkboard and drywall, we cannot see through lead or David Lynch film plots.
  7. Baseball bats are only a vegetarian delicacy around Labor Day.
  8. Paisley is not the official fabric pattern of vegetarianism. I don't know where this lie came from, but it stops now.
  9. Vegetarians cannot control volcanos.
  10. Oh, about the heat vision thing above - don't ask a vegetarian to light your cigarette with her eyes. Major faux pas.
  11. Debunked fact #10 wasn't really a debunked fact. It was more of a pointer. I feel like this list is derailing. I'm sorry.
  12. Well, crap. I'm way off the path now. And this is my first post and everything. So much for my Bloggie award. Damn it.
  13. Vegetarians are not in control of Antarctica.
  14. Or maybe they are. This poor list.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

i love you dear but you are insane!!! LOL!!!

6:19 PM, May 25, 2005  
Anonymous endo said...

maybe it just applies to me, but THIS is true: "Vegetarians are not velvety to the touch because we bathe in the green blood of Trunkus the Tree God."

I am a very velvety kitty.

3:13 PM, May 27, 2005  
Blogger goblinbox said...

I will totally light cigarettes with my eyes. I do it to prove I don't need any more damn protein, thank you.

3:39 PM, October 07, 2005  

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